Mr. Musk: Will You Just Trade For Me?

Dear Mr. Musk,

I’ve been wrong about a few things. Well, more than a few things if you consider my marriage and some of my career choices (look up Bigger Like Me and you’ll see what I mean). But, for the purposes of this article, I’m going to narrow my trading follies to the realm of equities trading.

You see, I have had it all wrong all these years. Most of my stock picks have been predicated on silly things like P/E ratios and EBITDA and other anachronistic metrics to which I have hitherto stubbornly adhered.

But no more.

True, I have deviated from my financials-focused investing parameters in the past. In 2018, I jumped on the weed stock bandwagon. And like most investors, I got high on seeing the stock rise only to fall to new lows when reality struck. But as a fellow weed connoisseur, I ask you: Is this time different? Some say it’s 2018 all over again, when Bitcoin and cannabis enthusiasm drove weed stocks and the crypto to new heights before the crash. Cannabis will never, become legal on the federal level, they say. Are they right? Should I avoid weed stocks? Or buy on the dip?

And what about Bitcoin? So far, I have made money on it. And DogeCoin? Are you joking or half-joking when you seem to endorse it? I guess it doesn’t matter. Either way, I will just trade on your tweets and disregard any analysis including from the top banks. I mean, Snoop Dogg’s portfolio likely performed better than mine just based on DogeCoin alone.

How many times, after all, have you proved the naysayers wrong? How many short sellers have you buried in their own skepticism? Mr. Musk, I have recognized the error of my ways and I bow down to you. Now please, sir, just tell me what to trade. On second thought, can I just give you my passwords and/or my paltry savings and you trade for me? I give up.

You’re a man of the times, Mr. Musk. You are one of two billionaire folk-heroes out there (I think we both know who the other, more controversial one is). Well, there is Oprah, too, I suppose. Are you going to start giving away cars like she does?

As far as your company, I have been wrong about that, too. Well, not totally wrong, as I always believed that Tesla Inc (NASDAQ: TSLA) was a company of the future. But won’t your stock crash at some point before it rises again? Any chance you will do another stock split?

I mean, why not?

A few tweets and a few Reddit groups and the initial dilution will be more than made up in a matter of days. Seems like your brother just sold some stock, over $25.6 million worth. Is he buying Bitcoin or Dogecoin or just giving Reddit’s Wall Street Bets group $25 million to trade for him? If you are busy, can he trade for me?

Elon (if I can be so casual), you really do control the markets at this point. Your tweets have become gospel, giving legitimacy and credence to any Reddit-fueled stock-buying frenzy, however destabilizing or inane. I should have bought into GameStop Corp (NYSE: GME) and DogeCoin—and everything else you’ve tweeted about.

But alas, I did not. I did, however, bet against AMC Entertainment Holdings Inc (NYSE: AMC) and made a few bucks. Should I just buy what you support, sell it the next day, and buy a put option expiring in a month or so out when those stocks or cryptocurrencies inevitably fall? Maybe I should both listen to you and not listen to you?

What I do know is that I cannot trade in the American equities markets without taking your Twitter feed into account. And that’s why I am doubling down on Bitcoin and I am buying some Dogecoin, too.

Yes, there are some so-called undervalued stocks. IBM (NYSE: IBM) is one, a company trading at a discount even if its plan to reinvent itself by focusing on the cloud doesn’t go exactly as planned. IBM looks like a solid long-term buy in otherwise overvalued tech space. Do you plan to tweet about the stock, though? If not, I’ll scratch that stock off my arcane and provenly misguided list. Because I just rely cannot on myself, anymore.

What about GM and Ford and their focus on EVs? Nio Inc (NYSE: NIO) and Xpeng Inc (NYSE: XPEV) and Li Auto Inc (NASDAQ: LI)? I know you sell a ton of cars in China, but aren’t the Chinese married, deep down, to the idea of one of their homegrown car companies leading their domestic market?

Again, I still do not know about buying Tesla after all this time. Every time I am going to invest, I think I’ve missed the boat. The reason is, despite myself, I guess I am not a man of the past. I am Old World, perversely confined to certain financial parameters drilled into me long ago. Debt-to-Equity, Price-to-Book Ratio, Revenues—bunch of nonsense, I know.

Truth is, I would have been better served if my financial tutors would have taught me to make eye-catching memes. But how could they know? How did you know?

So, Mr. Musk, Man of the Future: Tell me what to do. No, better yet—and I will ask one more time: Elon, please, I beg of you—will you just trade for me?

In fact, just trade for us all. It’ll make things simpler that way.

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